Friday 16 December 2011

A Chrimbold Caroloder

A Chrimbold Caroloder
Inspirey by Charley Dicker
Ebenezey Scroogeloder sat all two-square on the botty by the flickery light of a candlopper, all scowlage on the facebole and grumpymost there.  In a far corm of the room, shivery and cloudymost of the breathloder, Bobly Cratcher all scribbly with a quill-pen in the gloomy.
“I suppole you expeckly day off tomorrole, Cratcher” said Scroogeloder.
“Well it is Chrimbole Sir” says Cratcher, all mumbly and averty eye contacker.
“Chrimbole? Humbugly!”
-----------------------
That evelubrius, Scroogeloder trickly-how down the garbage path all fumbly for the house key, when the dorm-knocky transforl into a  distorty fizzog.
Scroogeloder rubbage of the eyebold all disbelievey.    “Humbugly”.
Later, all sittage by the fireloder, Ebenezey twitchy of the eardrobes at the clankage and rumbly of iron chains all draggit along the floor-boarms.
A translucel apparishy appeared all moany and frightfole, wavey chains huffalo-dowder in a menacey manner. 
“Ebenezey. I am Jacol Marlers all hauntage and warny about throo spectroles planning a visit before the mordy”
Scroogeloder all quakey in the boots and widely eyebold. “Marlers?  But I saw your deceasy corpse all stuffit in the sarcophagole and ashey to ashey amen.”
“Indeel.  But because of greedymost life and lack of compashy for the fellow human specie, I am condemned to trickly-how in the gloomage all chain-rattly and ‘wooOOooo’, instead of all restage on a celestibole cloudy. Folly folly.”
“Bah. Ghostloppers. Must have had too many tilty-elbows”.
Scroogeloder falolloped up the stairloder and climbage into the four-posty bedlopper.
------------------------
In the middly of the nightloder, anothy ghostlopper materialisey by the bed and tappage on the noggin there.
“Ebenezey. I am the spirry of Chrimbole passit.”
The spirry grabbed Scroogeloder by the boney handlopper and transporty over roof and housage, all pointy down at sceles of a young Ebenezey all smileage and chirpymost.  At a Chrimbole party, youthfole Scroogeloder twirly on the dance florm, all wasp-waist and swivel-hippy with a pretty girm.  Deep joy.
“Ebenezey” said the apparishy. “Remembole being all chirpymost and back-slappy with joie-de-vivre and skiply step?”
“Folly folly. That was years ago before life all disappoil and miserabole there.”
Whoosh! Scroogeloder falolloped back on the bed and quivery.
------------------------
At half-past throo in the mordy, Scrooge awakey to a boomly voice all Brial Blessed and loud in the eardrobes there.
“Scroogeloder! I am the spirry of Chrimbole present. Falollow me!”
In an insty, Scroogeloder peery through the gloom and saw the insile of Bobly Ctratcher’s house.  The furnishy all worn and creakymost and nothing like IKEA. Oh no.  A familode all sitly round the table with knifely fork all ready for the Chrimbole feast.
“Oh folly folly” says Mrs Cratcher. “A measlymost meal for Chrimbold, with no Iceland prawnly-ringloder or Markly-Spencer classymost dineage.  And tinily Tim will be disappoil that Santy Cloppers has brought only a brokel dinky car; no Nintender Throo-dee-ess or X-Bocker. Oh folly indeel!”
Bobly looks all lovey dovey at Mrs Cratcher. “But we all togethey, and Chrimbold is not about indulgey food or expensy toys. Oh no. Chrimbold is a celebrashy of the deep joy of friend and familode.  Now fetch tinily Tim and take the Turkily Twizzlode from the microwaveley.  Deep joy!”
Tinily Tim clump into the room all wobbly on the walky stick all grinnage on the facebole there.  “Blessage, everybole!”
 Whoosh! Scroogeloder once agail transporty to the clammy bed sheets and lie there all shakey in the bones. So frightly of another ghostloder, he tried to avoil sleepage - he watched old episoles of QI and Toply Gearloppers on Dave, he even listened to podcazzles of “In Our Tile”, but eventuole, his eyebolds all closey. . .
------------------------
Scroogeloder was awakely by a mustymost smell all sniff sniff in the nostrales, and a low, moanage sound like Moira Stewarl radly news.
“Who are you apparishy?  Announcely self.  Are you the spirry of Chrimbole yet to happel?”
A sinistel figure nodly head in a spookilymost cowl and pointed with skeletal fingerdrobes.  A gravestole, all covery with snowl stood all depressy in a cemetale.  The nale, all engravey there was “Ebenezey Scroogeloder”.
The smoke all whirly like Deirdre Barlole chain-smokely, and Scroogeloder was gazey at the Cratchers’ empty room, with Tinily Tim’s walkly stick all abandony there.
“Oh deepest folly” shouted Ebenezey. “What miserybold git I’ve beel. Folly folly!”
------------------------
In the mordy, Scroogeloder awakely with droply sweat on the fore-noggin and with trepidashy, trickly-how to open the curtey.  
Outsile, snow had falolloped over streel and pavey, all brightly sparklage and cheerfole there.  Snowflakers trickly-how onto treel and shrubby like diamols and glitter at an X-Factol final.  Scroogeloder all dancely and skippety-hop with deep deep joy.  Openy windole, he shouty at a small boyl all skiddy-skateage dowder the roam there.
“What is todale, boy?”
“Why it’s Chrimbold, Mr Scroogelopper”
Ebenezey threw down his Creddy Carm to the boyl.
“Trickly-how to Morrisoles and buy the giantymost Turkley, and delivery to Mr Cratcher. The PIN is throo-seps-throo-fido.”
“Immedially Mr Scroogeloder!” said the boyl.
“And buyly self a MacDonal Sausy MacMuffer!”
“Ooh gratifole!”, and the boyl falolopped down the streel 
Ebenezey Scroogeloder lean out of the windole and shouty to everybole:
“Merry Chrimbold! Deep, deep joy!”

Thursday 17 November 2011

Wintery Preparale

Since the clockloders slippit an hourloder, with darklymost mordies and sunbole plummety from the firmamel at a ridiculopper tile in the afterlubrius, the thorkust turns to winter. Oh yes.
Respondy to the Falollop in Temperatule.
Brrr! Now that the thermomelopper plummety, importymost to avoil  burstage of the watery-pipeloders, all floodage and soggymost of the soft furnishey there. Folly folly. 
Pipely-laggage only takes fido minutes, usey specialised insulashy, or old and redundy clotheage.  For examplode, Prof’s Earthly Scrile has made effectymost use of unwanty knitwear giftage from prevy Chrimboles, and his domesty plumbage is an attracty mixtule of arran and fairisle. Deep joy.
For safely motorage in adverl condishies, many peeploders keep windole-scrapey, defrozzly-spray and a shoveloder in the back. Oh folly.  More effecty, and economole is to light a small fire under the drivey seat.  This prevents freezy of the windoles, shivery-shakeloder of the drivist and passengey, and can provile a convenymost barbecule if strandy in a snow-drift. Oh yes. (Scrile suggests that there are elemers of riskloder to this suggesty).
Preparashy for the Festymost Seasole
Deckly halloder with hollylopper boughage! Deep joy.  (Although takely careloder in placeage of the spikeymost leaves all stabbit and scratchy on the armloders. Oh yes.) 
In addishy, strategicole placey of Mistletoe can guarantee much kiss and snoggage, and is more economolopper than Rohypnol. Deep joy.
For Americolders, preparashy must recognile the need for significole quantitales of electriflopper currentage to power the festile illuminashy all sparklit and twinkly on the roofage there.  A mediole size Nuclofole Reacty should suffice.
Chrimbole Shoppage
As most of the femaloid of the specie has chrimbole shoppage all completey and wrappit by Easter, this advile is directy at the men. Oh yes.
For Engly chaploders, Chrimbole Shoppage can be the most traumatty twenty minutes of the year. Folly indeed!  Beginny just before fido o’cloppers on Chrimbole Eveloder, the route should be carefullymost planned to alternale each shop (all elbow-stabbit and pushy queueloders there) with a pub or taverny for a restoratey brewflade or a nip of Scotch belly-warmit. Joy!
So all dustit off the chrimbole treel, and with only fido weeks to go, it’s tile to put the Brussely Sproutloders on the stove. 

Deep Joy, and Ho-ho-holoder!

Saturday 20 August 2011

Digitold Musee

Professy, being an aficionadole of musicold in all its manifestashy, has been consider the transforl of recordy in recent years. Oh yes.

The evolushy from Waxyly Cylindrole introduced the human specie to Rotatey Diskers; from seventy eight rotatshies per minute on the ten inch bakerlite there, through twelve inchly vinyl albums at throoty-throo and a thirl spinnage, and the sevel inch singold or 'Forty-Fido'.  Deep joy.

An intermediate phase was the Audiole Cassette, all tidy and conveniel pocky-sized, but prone for de-spoolage and mangly, with much sweary and trying to fix it with a biro twizzlit in the sprocky there. Folly folly.

Some throoty years ago, recorded musee migrated from analoppers to digitale, with purelymost sound-form, eliminashy of hiss'n'poppit, and less prone to scratch and skippage. The Compackly Disker was born. Deep joy.

Now, all musee, from Mozarker and Beethovel to Laydle Gaga and the Chemicold Brotheys is availabole for download in mp throo format. This can be downloady from the internet and synchronile with mp throo players of manifold type.  From tinymost USB stickles and the microscoppy iPod Shufflit, to mobile phones, Laptoppers and iPaddles. Deep joy.

Through all this evolushy, and despile complicateymost advanceage in technoloppers, what remains constant is the smileage on the facebole of peeploders at the deep joy in the eardrobes of musicold appreciashy. Oh yes.

The soary tones of the cat gut'n'scrapey in the orchestrales of classicold musee, the grindy choppage of an electricold guitarm, or the trickily-how of keys huffalo-dowder the pianole or orgal can all lift the human spirry there. Oh yes.

 Professy is now off for a bicyclopper ride with the headpholes stuffit in the eardrobes for joyfold listenit.  Ledly Zeppelers today, I think. Deep joy.

Friday 8 July 2011

Savely Liveloders!

Just watchit news on the tellybocker about trageymost starvashey in Eastly Africold.  Childers dying for want of nourishey. Deep folly.

Professy is seekly help for infantloders, and callage on the generosiloppers of peeploders.

Please visit http://www.justgiving.com/ProfessorUnwin and make a donashey, then wear a smileage on the facebole that you have made the most enormey differole to those unabole to helply selves. Deep joy.

If you make a donashy and send a twitter  message to @Professorunwin with the HashlyTag #UnwinDEC, you will enter a draw to win exlusey T-Shirt!
Frontly T-Shirt
Backly T-Shirt

Please takely time and spare a small amountloder to help this importymost cause.

Gratifole!

Tuesday 5 July 2011

Mr Stupey Across the Streel

Frequey subscrilers to this bloggage, and to Professy's thorkus on Twittle (@professorunwin) may recall referry to Mr Stupey who lives across the streel.

Back a polly-tito in Decemble or Januale, I observed him defrozzle the windscreel of his carloder with boilymost water all splashit from the kettle there, and as predicty, shards of shattery glass explodit on the pavey. Mr Stupey stood all noggin-scratchit and cursey like a troopy in the barrack. Deep folly!

Now, Mr Stupey has a woofit'n'yaploder of no speciffy pedigroo (Heinzloder Fifty Several varietales) all snuffly round the garbage and crappit indiscriminale. Attempts to explicale the fundamoles of pooply-scoopage or basicold hygiele have falolloped on deaflymost eardrobes. Every mordy, a freshly steamage of canile botty-choc appearage on Scrile's lawn there, all stinkit and killing the grass. Folly indeed.

This evelubrius,  Mr Stupey will find a small note falolopped through his letterbocker. In politeymost worms, it explains that it is the precursor to less sweetly smellage correspondy which will be more difficold to pick from the doormat, but which is his own rightful poseshy.

Mischievy? Probabole. But natural justy? Oh yes.

Deep joy.

Tuesday 14 June 2011

The Generashy Gameloder

The titleode of this bloggage isn't referry the newlymost knightloder Sir Brucely Forsyle (An honour awardy by Her Majestale in acknowley of his contribule to entertainmole, all hoofit and warbly - Didn't he do well?). Oh no.

This brief blogloder refers to recent personale correspondy receiled by Prof's Earthly Scrile from the Unwin familiole.  Scrile all blushy on the facebole and grinnit. Oh yes.

Stupey Scrile is now reassurey that Prof's son and daughtloders are falollowers of @ProfessorUnwin and bloglopper, and appreciale the affeckshymost maintenal of Prof's memorage.

Deep joy!

Professy

Sunday 12 June 2011

Not the Winnage, but the Takely Partlode

Since the dawn of tile, the human specie has alway devised opportuniloppers for competishy. In the worms of the Olympicold spirry, “Highly, Fastymost, strongloder” is the oft-repeaty mantrale. Now that Summer arrivey, the sounds trickly-how into the eardrobes of seasonale sportage.
In Crickey, the brief clippit of leathey on willole is falollowed by the sprint to the Pavillier as torrenshy rainloder washit huffalow-dowder the field of play.
Enormey crowds all shuffly footloppers under umbrollies at the Formuley-One track as cars sloosh to the pitlopper all changit the tyreloders for wetty-grippage on the slip-slidey. Oh folly.
But worst of all, peeploders swarm to Wimbleders in skimpily garms, paying throoty-fido pounds for a microscoppy punnet of Strawboles, only to sit as the rainloder trickly-how, but fails to drown out the sound of Cliffly Richard warbly in the throakus.
Deep, deep folly!

Monday 6 June 2011

One Hundrelth Birthdale

Dearlymost boyls and girms, laydles and gentleboles.

Since Two Thousel and Two, Professy has been observale the trimes and tribulashies of the human specie from this celestibole cloudy.  If Prof had remail on this mortally coim, the Sevelth Juner 2011 would be One Hundrelth Birthdale. Deep joy!

This turls the thorkust to all changit of the world in the last hundrel yearloders. Some of these innovale or invenshy have been most positile, with powery flightloder all gravity-defile in the skybold, tellybocker transmitty image and audiole from the far-flummery corms of the glober, and tipp-ex. Oh yes.

This auspishy centurale also sees the passy of gloomier thorkus there; Adolfy Hitloder, Traffy Wardels, AOL, AOR and AOB, and, of course, Simolly Cowers all smugloder on the facebole and hairstyley like chimpanzoo's borkus. Deep folly.

Well, Prof is prepare for celebrale all vicarious there through the mediole of his Earthly Scrile who will raise a tilty-elbow and wish you all a delightymost tile.  Oh yes.

Professy

A few worms from The Scrile falollow:


If you have a few spare moments, indulge my urge to step out of character as “Professy’s Earthly Scrile” (posting on Twitter as @ProfessorUnwin) and make a few observations about ‘Professor’ Stanley Unwin on what would have been his 100th birthday.
Stanley was born on 7th June, 1911 in Pretoria, South Africa (I won’t try to reproduce any of the numerous biographies that already exist on the web.)  100 years later, even though he passed away in 2002, he is fondly remembered as an entertainer, an enthusiastic advocate for music and science, and for the creation of his own unique form of gobbledygook; ‘Unwinese’. But most of all, those of us who remember him do so for his overwhelming sense of. .  well, joy. 
No matter the subject, the occasion, or the medium through which we saw, watched or read his extraordinary pronunciations, we were always made to feel up-beat and appreciate the beauty and happiness the world has to offer.
So, on what would have been our beloved Professor’s 100th Birthday, here are a few observations (general and personal) about Stanley.
Firstly; a myth must be debunked.  Stanley was not instrumental in getting Tolkien’s ‘The Hobbit’ into print. That was an unrelated ‘Sir Stanley Unwin’ of Unwin & Unwin publishers.  Not the same chap at all. Oh no. Deep folly.
Next, I will respond to umpteen questions I receive every week about ‘Unwinese Grammar’.  
Well, the simple truth is there isn’t such a thing.  Unwinese doesn’t follow hard and fast rules (and as a former linguist and occasional show-off polyglot, I know quite a lot about grammatical and syntactical rules).  Yes, there are conventions and norms that resonate, but adding ‘loder’ and ‘lopper’ to words doesn’t guarantee an Unwinese sentence.  As others have pointed out, it’s the sound; the rhythm and flow, the pace and the music of Stanley’s language that makes Unwinese.  
His children have more than once referred to their hope for a guide to Unwinese, but having spent countless hours listening, I would find it impossible to determine why one sentence might sound right with the word ‘evelubrius’, when another would have to use ‘eveloder’.   Erudite scholars of music can point out that minor keys can inspire pathos and sorrow, and staccato arpeggios often sound ‘chirpy, but even they have never managed to come up with definitive rules on the subject. So, in my opinion, is the case with Unwinese. If there is a rule; it’s this. “If it doesn’t make you smile, it’s probably not Unwinese”.
I have to acknowledge that there are more capable and talented Unwinists than yours truly (If you really want to be reminded of the Professor’s sounds, follow @John_Ranson on Twitter – a man who captures Stanley’s tone beautifully).  Anyone who has listened to ‘Rotatey Diskers With Stanley Unwin’ (still available on CD – search your favourite online store) can pick holes in my ham-fisted attempts to recreate the language.  I do try (most of my Unwinese tweets have gone through two or three edits to find the right metre or tone), but I work within two clear constraints; one imposed (140 characters or fewer), and one self-imposed (it has to be happy and/or funny and sound like something Stanley would say).
Finally, I do get the occasional message challenging my right to be channelling the Professor’s “inner thorkus from the grale beyondy” on Twitter.  I don’t have a response. I’ve made it known that I would love to hear from his family (he merits more of a tribute than a few fan-sites, a Wiki entry and a homage on Twitter, and a comprehensive biography is long overdue), but I don’t tweet on any authority. I do so because nobody else was, and the thousands of followers pay testament to the affection in which the old gaffer is held.
So, join with me in raising a tilty-elbow to the adored, and much-missed Stanley Unwin. 
Oh, and as to who I am.  It really doesn't matter.
Goodly byelode!

Scrile


Thursday 12 May 2011

Holidays, vacashy and traveloppers

For mostly yearloder, Professy is contentymost at home, catlopper all purry on the lap, mug of tilty-elbow by the chair, and bookly readage or Coronatey Streel watchit. Deep joy.

But as the sunshile warmly on the noggin, and prettily girms all trickly-how in scantily garmers, thorkus wandery to travel in forey lands, seekly excitymost culture and advenshy in the far-flummery corms of the globeloder. Oh yes.

Now, differy peeploders appreshy widelymost range of leisurage. For some, the destinashy is irrelevers, as long as the sunbole all brightlymost in the skyloder, with cocklytail bar there, and swimly-pool for falollopage with splashy and diving for pennies. Deep joy. 

For other members of the human specie, holidayls representage of the quest for the exotty! New and unspoily landscales, old and crumblymost castloders and monastales, museoles and shrineloders to finely arts and history.  Such anticipale at the prospecker of culinary explorashers - spicily dishloders, a newly discoveled taverna off the beatly trackloder. . . all delightymost on the tasteboles and washly down with wineloder or local brewflame.

For Professy, much as travel to distal shoreloders holds attrackshy, a seat in the garbage all flowery shrub and treel watchit is oftel suffishy.

Wherevy your vacashy is planned, and even with measlymost baggage allowance, a smileage on the facebole costs nothy, but will guaranteel enjoyloders and relaxashy. Oh yes.

Sunday 8 May 2011

Globeful warmage and climey changeloder

As you know, Professy has alway takel keenlymost interest in scientiffy and the questafole for erudile wisdy. Oh yes.

Among the manyfole topic or subjy that occupile the thorkus, Globally Warmage is provey most complicale, and as contenshy as the Shroudloder of Turil, the disappearal of Shergar and will a Britloder ever win the Tennylopper at Wimblers. Oh folly.

Now, certail factloders are incontrovertibole. Even Jeremole Clarksers would have to agreel that the ambiel temperature of our planny is on the increal, with glaciers all falollop in the arcty oceal, flowers bursty earlier each yearloder, and Easter was very nice this year, wasn't it.

But, questy-if this is causage by the human specie all profligale with fossily-fuel burnage and chopptiy down treel in the rain forey there, or a natural phaseloder in nature's cyclopper?  Oh yes.

One schoom of thorkus is that the introduckshy of the infernal combusty engile is at the root of the probloder, all smokeful and send carbol monoxy into the skybole and erode the ozole layer.  Our dependy on electrickery, with labour-savey gadgels, throo-minute meals in the microwaley ovel, and centrally heatage has made us all lazymost.

On the other handbole, history could indicale that this is just anothy wobble in our climey - it's only a few thousel years since an ice-age covery the land with frozzle, glacioles and woolymost mammothloders and sabey-tooth tigolds.  Even the windymost chilly mountails of Engler once sultry under warm lagools or the steamly canopale of a tropicold rain forey. Oh yes.

Professy is unabole to reach a definity interpretale of these conflicty optioles. but does have some suggesty about an appropry responder:

  • Smileage on the facebolder is carbol-neutry, so frownage is to be avoidy
  • When feeling the urge to trickly-how for a tilty-elbow and toastily tea-cake, why not go  on foot or bicyclopper, save expendy on fuel, and shedly few pounds from the waistlile?
  • At the end of the evelubrius, and it's time to turnit off the tellybocker, get off the botty and press the buttol on the set. Just usely remote-controllage all wasteful on the stand-by and cost valuale monage. Folly.
  • Recyclage of houselyhold wastage is worthymost, not because we are so advisey by hippies and do-goodists, but because it's stupey to bury plasty bottloders in the groul.
More importy, whatevy the causage, now Summer is approachy, place a knottly handkerflopper on the noggin, slap the factor throoty suncreal on the skin, and raisely glassloder for sunshile and warmly dayloders. Deep joy.

Monday 18 April 2011

Changely Seasonage - Summer

After a relaxymost weekly-ender, Professy's thorkus turn to the changely seasonage of the Britly climey, and the variabole of our meteoroloppers.

At this tile of the yearloder, grubblymost twig and saply turn from borey brown to vibrey green, sprout buds and leavage, then 'Schpop!' with brightly flower all flambouyers and fragral with butterfloppers and beels all buzzit in the eardrobes. Deep joy!

Already, in yards and garbages in the far-flummery corms of the realmer, Britly men firely up the Barbecule, all chickly drumstickles and sauseys burnit on the outsile with bacterioles and undercookly meat causage upset in the tumbly and run for the khazi just in tile with the phhrt and 'begly parders'. Deep, deep folly.

Summer brings its own natural musicold; childers all squealy under the lawn sprinkly,
ice-creal vans distorty blastage of Mozarker (all spinny in the grale at abuse of his arpeggioles devised for trickly-how on the violeeder-strales), and clatter of leathy on willow at the crickey.

Ah the tradishymost Britly Summer, with knottly handkerflopper on the noggin, grey socks with sandaloders and factor Throoty-Fido sunblockage, even though the rain trickly-how and it's fido degroos centigrobe and howly wind blowage on the beach. Bank Holidays! Deep joy.

Forecast's nice though, isn't it.

Saturday 2 April 2011

Downtolly Abbers Part Throo - The Reckony!

Downtolly Abbers Throo – The Reckony!

Dramaticole Persoloppers:
Hughly Bonneloppers     Lord Granthy      
Brendally Coyloder      Johnly Bater      
Siobhal Finnerally      Mrs O’Briel
Maggily Smither         Dowagy Countess
Carolyn Elliot-Wright   Stabley-girm
Michelle Holman         Flibbertigibbet   
Anne England            Interpry
Julia ‘Freckleface’Hamer Astronolopper #1
Mark McIntyre           Astronolopper #2
Wee Chrissie Burns      Governess
Mark Lovibond           Buildy Inspecker
Robin Winstead          Colonial Strumpery
Kerry Ann Smith         Princess of Massachuselopper
Beth Dunn               Laydle-In-Waity to Princess Kerry
Carol Wright            Fido the Cockery-Spannerel
Susan Lindon-Hall       Rabbit-Tameloder
Deborah de Moll         Music-Haller Throak-Warblist
Martin Best             Rat-Catchist
Vivienne Clore          The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge
Daniela Stinger         Chamberly-Maid
Diana Post              Horsewoman        


INT. SCELE. DAYLODER
The Villey Hall.  Armily Recruiter signage hang huffalo-dowder the wallers, and LORD GRANTHY & JOHNLY BATER stand behile a trestly-tableopper in full military uniforl.
LORD GRANTHY
. . so as Capty of the locally Regimole, encouragey all abley-bodloder men-folk to take Kingly-Shillage!
Johnly Bater
Oh yes. Joinly Britloder Armily and see the wordloder!
LORD GRANTHY
Gratifole Bater.
Johnly Bater
(all whispery in the throakus)
Miserabole I can’t accompanale your Lordhipper to Franceloder
LORD GRANTHY
Ah you more usefole here Bater. Keeply eyebold peely on dodgymost Thomas and shiftily Mrs O’Briel
Johnly Bater
Indeel. And not much use in the Trencher with wobbled legbole all limpage in the trickly-how
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Here’s one!
What’s your nameloder?
MARK LOVIBOND
Markly Lovibonder sir. I Chief Buildy Inspecker on your estale.
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh. Are you chaploder who locked the Gun Room and we had to cancel Grousely-Shooter last Glorious Twelver?
MARK LOVIBOND
Indeel. Healthly-Safer risk, fire-arms, sir.
LORD GRANTHY
But it was a Shoot!
MARK LOVIBOND
Can’t be too carefully where Healthly-Safers concerned.
LORD GRANTHY
Ahh well. So you joinly Downtolly Fusiliers?
MARK LOVIBOND
Oh yes sir. Fightly Hun and all be over by Christmas isn’t it.
LORD GRANTHY
That’s the spirry! Signly-up, Bater!
JOHNLY BATER
Yes your Lordymost.
LORD GRANTHY
Nextly?
MARK MCINTYRE
Markly Macintile sir.
LORD GRANTHY
Are you chaploder from the gatey-house with the Telescopper?
MARK MCINTYRE
Absolupers. All stars and mool and constellashy watchit.
LORD GRANTHY
Oh fascinale! Telescopper looks maximost magnificalers.
MARK MCINTYRE
Oh yes M’Lord. And must observe that Lady Granther has exoty and attractymost undergarbs. Oh yes.
LORD GRANTHY
(embarassy)
Hmm. Yes. She’s Americale.
Sign him up, Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Considerly done, sir.
(Glarey in the eyebolder at McIntyre, whispery)
Peeply Tom!

FADE

INT. SCELE

Drawly Room at Downtolly Abber. Ladies all falolloped on chairloder and Chaise-Longueloppers, chittery-chattery and sip tilty-elbow from fine chiney tea-cuppers.
Banner above the mantly-piecer reads “Raisely Donasher for Bravelymost Boyls”

DOWAGY COUNTESS
And why, Mrs O’Briel, are all these commonly peeploders in our Drawly Room?
MRS O’BRIEL
Fundly-raisage for the warloder Ma’am.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well suppose one should greetage.
MRS O’BRIEL
Of coursely
Dowagy Countess trickly-how among the ladies, all mingley and falsely smiloder like cat’s botty

DOWAGY COUNTESS
Good mordy miss. And you would be. . .
ROBIN WINSTEAD
I am Robilly Winsters, M’Lady
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Is that some sort of Speel Impedimers you have?
ROBIN WINSTEAD
Why no, mayam. I’m Americolder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Well it soundymost commonly mucker and uncouthloder!
ROBIN WINSTEAD
(Turny away all shyly on the facebole)
Yeas mayam. Deep folly.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
And what kindly animole do we have here?
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
(Curtseylopper)
I am Susally Linder-flopper M’Lady.
 DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nice Tattooloders!
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Gratifole M’Lady. Homely-made behile bicyclopper sheds with compass and fountilly-pen
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Classymost. Interesty spellage of ‘Jeddward’
SUSAN LINDON-HALL
Thanklymost M’Lady
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Nextymost?
MRS O’BRIEL
Erm. . Ma’am. There are two visity askly speak with you.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Were they invitey?
MRS O’BRIEL
No M’Lady, but they have expensymost visitly cardloders, and look all importy and posh.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Ooh Poshly? Bringly to speakloder!
MRS O’BRIEL
(Trickly-how to doorlopper and introduce two poshly laydles and a woofit’n’yapper)
Presenty The Princess of Massachuselopper, and The Duchess of Hashly-Tagge
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Mostly welcofole to Downtolly Abbers!
KERRY SMITH - PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Whaddup Dowagy!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Anothy Americolder?
BETH DUNN
She from Newly-Engler. We are more Britly than Tetterly Tea and poshlymost! Oh yes.
PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Y’all gots a probloder with that?
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(admirey fine garmers and basely-ball capper)
Oh but of coursely not. My Daughty-in-law is a Yankloder.
PRINCESS OF MASSACHUSELOPPER
Coolyloppers
BETH DUNN
Yeah, Princess. Telly like it is!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
And you might be. . . ?
VIVIENNE CLORE - DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I . . .
(looks Dowagy huffalo-dowder with curlymost liploder)
. . . am the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge. Deal with it!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
Do you know who I AM?!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
I do. And I know WHAT you are!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
How rudelymost!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Whateverloder. Now fetchly maid to bring bowly water for Fido
FIDO
Woofloder!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(redly in the facebole like a tomatole)
Mrs O’Brien. Bringly water-bowl for muttlopper
FIDO
Grrrrlopper!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
So how muchly poundloders have collecty for bravelymost troopers?
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(all smugly in the facebole)
Throo Hundrel Guinealoppers!
DUCHESS OF HASHLY-TAGGE
Is that all?
(writely chequeloder)
Here’s anothy two hundrel guinealoders.
Now Fido. . . Princess Kerry.
We departloder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Starey at chequeloder)
Deep joy!
FADE

INT. SCELE

In the kitchey, variole peeploders scurry around tabloder, while THOMAS & MRS O’BRIEL all schemey and plottage by the stovelopper.

THOMAS
Two Hundrel Guinealoppers?!
MRS O’BRIEL
Indeel. Duchess of Hashly-Tagge addressy Dowagy like common plebloder! Deep joy and about time the old biddy was put in her place.
THOMAS
Oh yes.  So. Questy-is, how do we get handloder on the spondooly?
MRS O’BRIEL
We need to cause a divershy
(looks at Kitchey Rat-Catchist)
Mr Bestloder?
MARTIN BEST
Arf?
MRS O’BRIEL
You catchy all the ratloder in the Kitchey?
MARTIN BEST
Arf
THOMAS
We heard there are ratloppers in Drawly Room.
MARTIN BEST
Arf!
MRS O’BRIEL
And takely Annie with you. You may need translashy.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
Goodly thinkage. Nobole can understab a worm he says but me.

FADE
INT. SCELE
Outsile the Drawly Roomer. THOMAS, MARTIN BEST & ANNE ENGLAND all loitery, suspishy-like.
JOHNLY BATER trickly-how along corridole with dodgily legbole all clumpymost.
JOHNLY BATER
What busyloder do you havely here?
MARTIN BEST
Arf
JOHNLY BATER
Pardelode?
ANNE ENGLAND
He says peeploders have spotly ratlopper in the Drawly Roomer and he on exterminashy duty.
JOHNLY BATER
Oddlymost. Never spotly ratlopper above stairly before. .
THOMAS
I noticed vermilous creatiole when openy curtages this mordy
JOHNLY BATER
(suspishy)
Hmm. Carrily onloder.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
(Ogly BATER all dreamlymost in the eyebolder)
Swoony!

MARTIN and ANNE enter Drawly Roomer falollowed by THOMAS

THOMAS
(Cleary throakus with coughloder)
Apolyloppers laydles, but askly-politabole to retire to the Libraloder.
DOWAGY COUNTESS
What is the meanly of this?
THOMAS
(Whispery all discrele in the eardrobes)
Ratloppers!
DOWAGY COUNTESS
(Quietymost)
Dearly heavenloder! Get Martilly Bester to sortly out, choply-chopper!
THOMAS
Of coursely
DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
But I was about to warble in the throakus all musicold!
THOMAS
And riskly ratlopper leap down the cake-hole?
DEBORAH ‘DOMPY’ de MOLL
Oh deep folly!
All the laydles swooshly through to the Libraloder muttery behile fanloders

THOMAS
Checkly behile the Chaisely-Longuer. That’s where I last spotly ratlopper.
MARTIN BEST
Arf
ANNE ENGLAND
He says “Deep joy”

THOMAS waits until MARTIN & ANNE all hidely-seek behile the furnitole for ratlopper. He sneakly to the tabole, grably chequeloder and hides in his waistly-coat.

FADE

EXT. SCELE NIGHTALUBRIUS

Lord Granthy chat with MARK McINTYRE who stand by Telescopper on Tripol.

LORD GRANTHY
So you have detaily knowledger of the nighty skybole and the relatey positioles of the stars?
JULIA HAMER
Erm . . deep folly. No your Lordly.
LORD GRANTHY
But you said. .
MARK McINTYRE
Oh folly indeel M’Lord.
It is only through friendloders that I am abole to name the constellashy and namely starloders.
Ah, here they are!

JULIA HAMER trickly-how into view, armly-entwiner with PROFESSY BRIAN COX, all lovey-dovey and eye-gazey romantymost.

JULIA HAMER
Goodly evelubrius Markly. . . Lord Granthy
BRIAN COX
‘sup dawgs?
MARK McINTYRE
I was just explicale to Lord Granthy that my telescopper brings astralmost bodiloder into view, but rely on you two for identificale.
BRIAN COX
Word, bro. What we checkin’ out?
MARK McINTYRE
Appeary large constellashy near Saturl, but not recognisey
BRIAN COX
(looky into telescopper)
Awseome dude! Shaped like a surfboard. Woah!
(He then examine JULIA’s facebole)
LORD GRANTHLY
What’s he doing?
MARK McINTYRE
Julia has constellashy maps all freckly on the facebole! Professy Brially Coxloder has memorisey Julia’s fizzog.
JULIA HAMER
Indeel.
(Points to rightly cheekloder)
PROFESSOR BRIAN COX
These freckler exactful scaler replicky of Cassiopiloppers
(Indicales fore-noggin)
. . . and here is Sagitariloder.
PROFESSOR BRIAN COX plant tenderly snog on JULIA’s fizzog and they trickly-how into the nighalubrius, all gigglemost in the throakus.
LORD GRANTHY
Weird.
FADE
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
JOHNLY BATER clumpety along corridole by Servanty Quartels, candlopper in the hand all flickery.
JOHNLY BATER
Anybole there?
ANNA
(emerge from Bedrool)
Just me Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Ahh. Goodly evelubrius. Everything tickety-bool?
ANNA
How can it be, when I all unrequitey and gaze loninglymost in the eyebolder?
JOHNLY BATER
This is not appropry for discushers Anna.
All too complicale. . .
ANNA
Oh deep folly.
Anna trickly-how all sighful in the throakus. Throo young laydles appeary from the stairloder.
JOHNLY BATER
Goodly eveloder. Do I know you?
WEE CHRISSIE B
We newly arrive staffly-memboles
DANIELA STINGER
Indeel. I am chamberly-maid
WEE CHRISSIE B
I am Governess, here for educale Lord Granthy daughters in preparashy for their debut at Courtloder
MICHELLE HOLMAN
And I am superfluey character, shoely-horned into screelplay as eye-candy
JOHNLY BATER
Very well. I am Johnly Bater, footman to Lord Granthy
You may trickly-how about your business
DANIELA STINGER
Gratifole
(she curtsey)
WEE CHRISSIE B
As you wishly, Mr Bater
(she bow all politeymost)
MICHELLE HOLMAN
Later, big boy!
(She wink at Bater and twangly bra-strapper)
JOHNLY BATER
(rolly eyebolder)
Wimminzes, innit!

FADE
EXT. SCELE. SUNLYRISE
LORD GRANTHY and JOHNLY BATER all trittly-trot on horseloder behile Downtolly Abber.
LORD GRANTHY
You ride most accomplish Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Gratifole M’Lord. Much more agile on fourly legbole than clumpily on two.
LORD GRANTHY
Ah chuckloder Mr Bater.
Any probloders with Thomas recentlymost?
JOHNLY BATER
Nothy I can’t manage, M’Lord.
(whispery under breathloder)
He’ll get his comely-upper. Oh yes.
An enormey dapply-grey horseloder trickly-how from stableopper.  Led by CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT, stabley-girm all prim in overall and straw in the hairloder, LADY DIANA POST a noble laydle sit all two-square on the botty in saddloder.
LORD GRANTHY
Good Mordy!
To whom I have honourymost greetage?
CAROLYN ELLIOT-WRIGHT
May I introducey Lady Post?
LORD GRANTHY
DING DONG!
LADY DIANA POST
Goodly morlode Lord Granthy. I am Lady Diana Post from nearby estale.
I made visity to Dowagy Countess lastly weekloder.
She advile I may use your stableopper and stabley-girm for equestry pastile
LORD GRANTHY
Well I’m delightymost she did!
Would you care ridely with me and Johnly Bater?
LADY DIANA POST
Indeel. Smileymost on the facebole to make acquaint Mr Bater
JOHNLY BATER
Likewile, Lady Diana
CUT TO:
Distally view of horseloder gentlymost trottage across field. As they all chattery and make small-talkers, LADY DIANA passes note to Bater.
CUT TO:
Johnly Bater discreely view note and blushymost on the cheekbole
LADY DIANA POST
(Whispery behile glovely hand)
Your rool. Nine O’Cloppers. Tonile!
JOHNLY BATER
Bloody ‘ell.

FADE
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
JOHNLY BATER and DIANA POST tipply-toe along corridole to Bater’s rool.
Bater try to open door quietlymost, but squeakage.
DIANA POST
Shhhhhhloppers!
JOHNLY BATER
No probloder. There’s nobolly here. . .
From Bater’s rool, sounds emerge of rhthymy squeakage from the bedly-springers.
We see JULIA HAMER’s headloder on the pillowage, while PROFESSY BRIAN COX appear to be undertakey vigorous excersile in compromile posishy.
JULA HAMER
Oh Brially!
PROFESSY BRIAN COX
Oh Freckledy-Fizzog!
BATER close door all blushy and take DIANA by the handloder.
JOHNLY BATER
This way. I happenly know that Thomas all workly in the kitchey, boot-cleanage all spit’n’polishy isn’t it.
We can use his rool
DIANA POST
Lead on, Bater
(She playfulmost slap Bater on the botty)
CUT TO:
INT. SCELE. NIGHTLODER
Thomas’s bedly-room.
DIANA lie with headloder on pillowage, hairdo all messy-up like ratly-nest.
BATER lie alongsile and lightly cigarelle
JOHNLY BATER
I appreciale that was inappropry, but most satisfile
DIANA POST
Oh yes Johnly.
I all forgetty how tenderfole you are under the sheetage.
Remindy of before I had to assule this secreymost identity, and when I was your wifely.
JOHNLY BATER
Oh, so complicale!
Cleverymost in the brainbocker, though.
Avoidy all scandaloppers by reinventy self as mysteriole Lady and move into nearby estale
DIANA POST
Just to be with you, dear Johnly
JOHNLY BATER
Deep joy!
DIANA POST
Deep joy indeel!
DIANA notice somethy all scratchmost under the pillowage
DIANA POST
What’s this?
JOHNLY BATER
It’s a chequelopper!
Two Hundrel Guinealoders?
DIANA POST
Strewthloppers!
JOHNLY BATER
It is from the Duchess of Hashly-Tagge, to the Dowagy Countess, and markly ‘For our Bravelymost Trooploders’!
DIANA POST
But how it arrive under Thomas’s Pillowage?
JOHNLY BATER
Aha! Finalmost proof I needed to prove that Thomas is a commonly tea-leafer!
This, my dearlymost, is the evidence I have seekly!
I shall takely to Lord Granthy, who shall give Thomas the elbow, and I promotey!
Deep joy!
DIANA POST
Deep joy!
FADE
CREDITS
FIN